the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
