Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I can't turn off my feet"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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