Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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