we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
