If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
being pregnant is like rehab
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I love you. Go after that dick
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
