Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
