Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
