trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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