Someone shit on the floor
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
