foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize