I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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