I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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