Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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