I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
