it was like eating out sand paper
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
