Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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