He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
