The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
