Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize