I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
