I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
