hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
