I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
