I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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