sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just found puke in my bra..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
