My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
