exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
