I puked a lego.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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