I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
