I got chris browned last night
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
