I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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