are you so shy because you have an std?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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