I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
vagina is talking i cant
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
