this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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