I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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