Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
