never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize