There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize