I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
