Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
