Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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