chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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