I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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