You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize