i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
