dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
