Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
