I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
