I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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