I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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