Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
