if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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