my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
