dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
