I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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