someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize