every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
