moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
